My boy's home! Jamie's home!
And he knew enough not to have triggered the alarm when he came to the flat!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
TCH
Jamie's not with me at this time. There is an in-house alarm system where I live, simple yet effective because it's noisy and tells me who's coming and going. As I lay in bed now, I hear the alarm and wonder if it's Jamie and that he's finally home. I've been hearing the alarm all day.
How can the feelings of anguish, hurt, wanting, of a father be described? It was right before my eyes all my life and I had only to see.
My father worked hard to provide for his family. He was never the lovey kinda of guy and I have never known him to hold me. Infact, I remember more of the times he would discpline me more than anything. Because he is not one to show his feelings, there is awarkardness whenever there is a soft moment. I try not to be like that with Jamie. But I know my father loves me. I know because I hear it from the most unlikely sources. There was the time when a relative told me how proud my father was that I gained admission to the top school. There was also the other time when someone said my father was glad I was beginning to put in industry in my studies.
But nothing tops it more than when I hear it from the tire-shop guy. This is the guy that takes care of the cars for the entire family; he's been doing so for some 20 years now. A few years back when I went round to change tires, he asked about my father and causally remarked that he no longer changes his tires every year. This was in spite of the family car being extremely low mileage. My father would change his tires and battery on the eve of our school exams because he had told the shop "nothing must stop him from sending us for our exams"
I think back and this is the true measure of a father's love. The feeling in my heart was right before my eyes all these years.
How can the feelings of anguish, hurt, wanting, of a father be described? It was right before my eyes all my life and I had only to see.
My father worked hard to provide for his family. He was never the lovey kinda of guy and I have never known him to hold me. Infact, I remember more of the times he would discpline me more than anything. Because he is not one to show his feelings, there is awarkardness whenever there is a soft moment. I try not to be like that with Jamie. But I know my father loves me. I know because I hear it from the most unlikely sources. There was the time when a relative told me how proud my father was that I gained admission to the top school. There was also the other time when someone said my father was glad I was beginning to put in industry in my studies.
But nothing tops it more than when I hear it from the tire-shop guy. This is the guy that takes care of the cars for the entire family; he's been doing so for some 20 years now. A few years back when I went round to change tires, he asked about my father and causally remarked that he no longer changes his tires every year. This was in spite of the family car being extremely low mileage. My father would change his tires and battery on the eve of our school exams because he had told the shop "nothing must stop him from sending us for our exams"
I think back and this is the true measure of a father's love. The feeling in my heart was right before my eyes all these years.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
An old friend and a good chat
What better way to seek solace and company than to meet an old friend.
Here I was sitting in the home without anyone last night. What a bloody waste of the holidays and my precious leave as well. Doing absolutely nothing!! When I could be playing with my boy, and taking him out to see a lion dance, well and other CNY stuff. In the night, I tried calling CCY and DK, hoping to join them for a run this morning. CCY responded and off we went this morning.
CCY has really been through a lot in the last 24 months. There was a widely reported incident, which to all whom know him know it was totally out of his character to have done this. He back working now and doing ok. In fact, I had bumped into him just prior to CNY and asked if he wanted to go running on the eve of CNY; he said no and as luck would have it, we ended up together instead.
We ran around the Bukit Timah / Clementi area and tackled the hills ably. We chatted too and spoke of everything, catching up from school all through to the current times. Through the run, there was a nugget of gold from him : whilst we are really in the prime of our professional lives, nothing can replace the emptiness of missing your kids grow up, waiting to be admitting into the Singapore education system. The moment the children get sucked in, their lives are no longer theirs and it will be endless amount of work and work. CCY told me to find the time to kick a football with my son, listen to his stories and conquests and be a part of his life. If only God would permit it to be so easy for me..
CCY is still the same guy I knew back from school and the incident did not clouded his values and sense of being. If anything, he came out stronger. He brought up the incident but we did not speak about it - there was no need because in my mind, it was not relevant to my measure of him.
Here I was sitting in the home without anyone last night. What a bloody waste of the holidays and my precious leave as well. Doing absolutely nothing!! When I could be playing with my boy, and taking him out to see a lion dance, well and other CNY stuff. In the night, I tried calling CCY and DK, hoping to join them for a run this morning. CCY responded and off we went this morning.
CCY has really been through a lot in the last 24 months. There was a widely reported incident, which to all whom know him know it was totally out of his character to have done this. He back working now and doing ok. In fact, I had bumped into him just prior to CNY and asked if he wanted to go running on the eve of CNY; he said no and as luck would have it, we ended up together instead.
We ran around the Bukit Timah / Clementi area and tackled the hills ably. We chatted too and spoke of everything, catching up from school all through to the current times. Through the run, there was a nugget of gold from him : whilst we are really in the prime of our professional lives, nothing can replace the emptiness of missing your kids grow up, waiting to be admitting into the Singapore education system. The moment the children get sucked in, their lives are no longer theirs and it will be endless amount of work and work. CCY told me to find the time to kick a football with my son, listen to his stories and conquests and be a part of his life. If only God would permit it to be so easy for me..
CCY is still the same guy I knew back from school and the incident did not clouded his values and sense of being. If anything, he came out stronger. He brought up the incident but we did not speak about it - there was no need because in my mind, it was not relevant to my measure of him.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Would you..
Tell someone who's experiencing chest pains to "just deal with it"?
Tell someone who's just experienced a professional failure "this is to teach you a lesson"
If i experience chest pains on my long run this evening, i will be thinking of Jamie and, yes dealing with it.
Tell someone who's just experienced a professional failure "this is to teach you a lesson"
If i experience chest pains on my long run this evening, i will be thinking of Jamie and, yes dealing with it.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My instructions
Dear Jamie
What a lovely name you have, my son. If anyone were to tell you it is funny or that it is a girl's name, you tell them straight back that it is a very noble name, with a deep religious meaning. It was chosen not flippently and Daddy was indeed lucky to have come across it. You will always be Jamie to me, my son.
Today may be the last time I see you for a while. When we next meet, you may not even recognise me. We both may look very much different with the passing of the years. And when we meet, your thoughts may already have been shaped by those around you as to what I am. Nonetheless, today is significant because we hugged, and I kissed you with my heart. Do you remember me looking at you for a while because Daddy said I wanted to remember your face - and you smiled! I wouldn't feel hurt if you could not remember what I looked like, my son - what is important is that I have you in my heart all the time. I will lock away in my heart all the times we have spent together, and the most recent memory is when you smiled and laughed when I brought you to the skateboard park last night. You may not remember this but we had a whale of a time, looking at a 26yr old kid going up and down the professional ring, flying up right in front of us. You also showed me the little scrape you had on your right knee, when you fell down the Baycourt slope - and you bravely did not cry until you got back to the house! My brave boy!
My son, when you choose, you must choose carefully. There is little wisdom in the making of the choice but you have to be careful. Nothing is ever what it seems and you must look and then think. Daddy has made only one bad choice in his life and try as you must, you must not do the same. Choose someone whom is obedient, clever, sensible and most importantly, must love you and want to form a family with you. You and her must now be the family that makes everything else secondary. On your part, you must give everything to your new-found family, and every choice you make must be for the good of your new family and your children. Together with your wife, you will have to make choices - some will not be easy to make but as long as you think long and hard about them, they will be the right choices. Never be tempted by short term gains - your children will live long and you must think beyond your lifetime for them.
Children are a blessing. You are the best. My joy was beyond words when you emerged from the womb and I was crying when I put my face next to yours at the ward. I remember you moved your arms and whimpered - the loud crying is movies stuff - and my heart burst with joy. You will experience this and when you do, you will know what I mean, my son. You will always be my first-born and have pride of place in my heart, always.
Respect is a word that is easily mouthed but hardly given. You must respect the earth, and your home; and by extension, every where you go. When you are a guest, you must behave like one, and be even more cautious of your behaviour. Even if it were something you would do in your home, desist. If you fail to show respect, you will only reflect on me - because blame always goes to the parents for the failings of the son. Even if free rein is given, never take it. Daddy never has and is always mindful that I am the guest. We are the guest of the earth, and you must leave it in a tidy state for your children. No one is perfect my son, and should you fail and be chastised, Daddy will always love you and forgive.
Do you remember Daddy always telling you to play with everything, touch and explore? This is the only way you learn. And you have to eat well so you grow up big and strong.
Will you forgive Daddy for the times I was not there? Is it enough that I have you in my heart? There is too much to tell of my absence and time will dim everything. Even if you choose to ignore Daddy when we next meet, I will feel hurt on the outside but my seeing you will re-fill my heart with joy. It is my wish to lead you, Mommy, all as a family on Judgement Day; and when I hold your hand then, I hope you will smile at me again just like in the skateboard park, and today. Together, we will face God's judgement and I will answer confidently for everything, with you by my side listerning. And so I hope will you; and hence, we must be good people from now on. This is my wish and instruction for you, my son.
Your ever-loving father
Daddy
What a lovely name you have, my son. If anyone were to tell you it is funny or that it is a girl's name, you tell them straight back that it is a very noble name, with a deep religious meaning. It was chosen not flippently and Daddy was indeed lucky to have come across it. You will always be Jamie to me, my son.
Today may be the last time I see you for a while. When we next meet, you may not even recognise me. We both may look very much different with the passing of the years. And when we meet, your thoughts may already have been shaped by those around you as to what I am. Nonetheless, today is significant because we hugged, and I kissed you with my heart. Do you remember me looking at you for a while because Daddy said I wanted to remember your face - and you smiled! I wouldn't feel hurt if you could not remember what I looked like, my son - what is important is that I have you in my heart all the time. I will lock away in my heart all the times we have spent together, and the most recent memory is when you smiled and laughed when I brought you to the skateboard park last night. You may not remember this but we had a whale of a time, looking at a 26yr old kid going up and down the professional ring, flying up right in front of us. You also showed me the little scrape you had on your right knee, when you fell down the Baycourt slope - and you bravely did not cry until you got back to the house! My brave boy!
My son, when you choose, you must choose carefully. There is little wisdom in the making of the choice but you have to be careful. Nothing is ever what it seems and you must look and then think. Daddy has made only one bad choice in his life and try as you must, you must not do the same. Choose someone whom is obedient, clever, sensible and most importantly, must love you and want to form a family with you. You and her must now be the family that makes everything else secondary. On your part, you must give everything to your new-found family, and every choice you make must be for the good of your new family and your children. Together with your wife, you will have to make choices - some will not be easy to make but as long as you think long and hard about them, they will be the right choices. Never be tempted by short term gains - your children will live long and you must think beyond your lifetime for them.
Children are a blessing. You are the best. My joy was beyond words when you emerged from the womb and I was crying when I put my face next to yours at the ward. I remember you moved your arms and whimpered - the loud crying is movies stuff - and my heart burst with joy. You will experience this and when you do, you will know what I mean, my son. You will always be my first-born and have pride of place in my heart, always.
Respect is a word that is easily mouthed but hardly given. You must respect the earth, and your home; and by extension, every where you go. When you are a guest, you must behave like one, and be even more cautious of your behaviour. Even if it were something you would do in your home, desist. If you fail to show respect, you will only reflect on me - because blame always goes to the parents for the failings of the son. Even if free rein is given, never take it. Daddy never has and is always mindful that I am the guest. We are the guest of the earth, and you must leave it in a tidy state for your children. No one is perfect my son, and should you fail and be chastised, Daddy will always love you and forgive.
Do you remember Daddy always telling you to play with everything, touch and explore? This is the only way you learn. And you have to eat well so you grow up big and strong.
Will you forgive Daddy for the times I was not there? Is it enough that I have you in my heart? There is too much to tell of my absence and time will dim everything. Even if you choose to ignore Daddy when we next meet, I will feel hurt on the outside but my seeing you will re-fill my heart with joy. It is my wish to lead you, Mommy, all as a family on Judgement Day; and when I hold your hand then, I hope you will smile at me again just like in the skateboard park, and today. Together, we will face God's judgement and I will answer confidently for everything, with you by my side listerning. And so I hope will you; and hence, we must be good people from now on. This is my wish and instruction for you, my son.
Your ever-loving father
Daddy
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Reunion Dinner 2010
We have just finished reunion dinner over at my Pa's place. This "reunion dinner" thingy is an extremely Chinese event, and if any Chinese were to pick an event to miss in all of the year, this would not be the one. In fact, and the memory is more than fuzzy now, my parents actually told me once I could drop my family name henceforth if I were to be absent for a particular reunion dinner. This was the occasion where the Chinese New Year straddled some long weekend (just like 2010); I had just started working and was not used to the stresses and pressures that are now commonplace and wanted to go on a holiday to unwind. I have heard stories, all true, no doubt, where sons and daughters would travel half the world away just to be present with their parents (and grandparents) for the reunion dinner.
The long and short to it all is that I did travel on holiday, the morning after the reunion dinner. The Chinese New Year first day receipt of blessing and paying of respects was not as important as the reunion dinner the night before.
Jamie, Nisa and I returned home to Laguna for the reunion dinner 2010. Wee Khiang, Pauline and their 3 kids were there and the family was complete. The dishes have become the same over the years and as always, we ate too much.
Poor Jamie slept through it all because he's ill. He went swimming twice today and when it came time to travel to Laguna, he was tired and also, there was some water stuck in his ear. He arrived all tired, in a bad mood and slept the moment we arrived at Laguna for dinner. I am a little worried because I don't want a ear infection to come around, seeing how uncomfortable this can be, especially around the holidays in which he should be cavorting around merrily.
Jamie sleeping through reunion dinner reminded me of when I did the same maybe 5 years back. We were just married and again, it was a very busy time because I was working on a large transaction. I was totally knackered on the eve of Chinese New Year and developed a migraine from the lack of sleep. Poor Nisa had to do the reunion dinner with my parents and the rest all by herself because I had to sleep off the migraine. She said she had to eat something strange that night (its really some chinese delicacy that is traditionally enjoyed on special occasions) but she has grown used to it now.
Insya-Allah, my boy will sleep through it all and tomorrow will be a nice CNY for him (and all of us).
The long and short to it all is that I did travel on holiday, the morning after the reunion dinner. The Chinese New Year first day receipt of blessing and paying of respects was not as important as the reunion dinner the night before.
Jamie, Nisa and I returned home to Laguna for the reunion dinner 2010. Wee Khiang, Pauline and their 3 kids were there and the family was complete. The dishes have become the same over the years and as always, we ate too much.
Poor Jamie slept through it all because he's ill. He went swimming twice today and when it came time to travel to Laguna, he was tired and also, there was some water stuck in his ear. He arrived all tired, in a bad mood and slept the moment we arrived at Laguna for dinner. I am a little worried because I don't want a ear infection to come around, seeing how uncomfortable this can be, especially around the holidays in which he should be cavorting around merrily.
Jamie sleeping through reunion dinner reminded me of when I did the same maybe 5 years back. We were just married and again, it was a very busy time because I was working on a large transaction. I was totally knackered on the eve of Chinese New Year and developed a migraine from the lack of sleep. Poor Nisa had to do the reunion dinner with my parents and the rest all by herself because I had to sleep off the migraine. She said she had to eat something strange that night (its really some chinese delicacy that is traditionally enjoyed on special occasions) but she has grown used to it now.
Insya-Allah, my boy will sleep through it all and tomorrow will be a nice CNY for him (and all of us).
I'm really feeling my age these days
I was at the mosque just now and I actually had trouble getting up! My legs are so sore and what was worse was that my left knee cap started hurting. This is the same feeling I got when I first started running and the muscles around my knees were still fresh and not used to the strain yet. This feeling has recently re-surfaced and I am really feeling my age these days.
We ran the SCSM 2009 and looked around at the finishers to the half and full. Physically, they looked like "mere mortals" ie not unlike myself. Of course what is vastly different from the 99.9% of the population is their mental strength and no doubt their running prowess and ability is supreme. The point to all of this is that if they could do it, there was no reason why I could not, with proper hard training. So the journey to complete a half started in mid-December 2009.
To borrow an old saying, "short runs used to be my long runs".
I started out on a LSD Thursday last and it ended up being a longish distance tempo. Came back in a fairly decent time and I have been aching. Total rest yesterday (and then again, how can there be total rest when Jamie and Nisa arrived with 3 other kids in tow) and this morning went for a recovery run. The knees simply refused to move today and after 5.5k, i walked the last 1.5k. I'm really feeling my age now because every part of me is sore. I couldn't get up whilst at the mosque. Even the afternoon snooze was best described as "heavy" - the feeling that everything is weighted down and no amount of energy can get me up from bed, all of this in-between fleeting sleep.
Looks like I just have to seek out another recovery session tomorrow - I plan to do another 6k recovery early to catch the sun rise over the ECP tomorrow.
We ran the SCSM 2009 and looked around at the finishers to the half and full. Physically, they looked like "mere mortals" ie not unlike myself. Of course what is vastly different from the 99.9% of the population is their mental strength and no doubt their running prowess and ability is supreme. The point to all of this is that if they could do it, there was no reason why I could not, with proper hard training. So the journey to complete a half started in mid-December 2009.
To borrow an old saying, "short runs used to be my long runs".
I started out on a LSD Thursday last and it ended up being a longish distance tempo. Came back in a fairly decent time and I have been aching. Total rest yesterday (and then again, how can there be total rest when Jamie and Nisa arrived with 3 other kids in tow) and this morning went for a recovery run. The knees simply refused to move today and after 5.5k, i walked the last 1.5k. I'm really feeling my age now because every part of me is sore. I couldn't get up whilst at the mosque. Even the afternoon snooze was best described as "heavy" - the feeling that everything is weighted down and no amount of energy can get me up from bed, all of this in-between fleeting sleep.
Looks like I just have to seek out another recovery session tomorrow - I plan to do another 6k recovery early to catch the sun rise over the ECP tomorrow.
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